J.K. Rowling digs through her old Harry Potter notes! Teenagers go through teenager things! Probably-Oscar nominees! John Travolta! A cat! All this and more, in this week’s new releases.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
What if Colin Farrel was in a movie about wizards and what if that movie used a bunch of dumb Harry Potter words because we all miss that universe so much and all those spell names and wizard slangs will at least trigger some nostalgia in our hearts even if the movie itself is completely unnecessary? Well, that’s a long-winded question, but this movie is here to answer it.
Bleed for This
Boxer gets in a car accident, breaks his neck, and is told he may never walk again. SHOCKINGLY, he goes against doctor’s orders and through sheer force of will (and definitely not modern medical science) he bounces back and lives to not only walk again, but to punch people for money again. You sure showed those stupid fucking doctors, kid.
The Edge of Seventeen
I think this movie is about how hard it is to be a middle class white teenage girl living in the suburbs. Huh. Ignoring the cultural blindness of it, it looks decently amusing and relatable in the way awkward-teenager stories can sometimes be.
Manchester by the Sea
Teenager’s dad dies and Casey Affleck is tasked with taking guardianship and also Michelle Williams is there. This movie is probably okay? I mean these actors are usually in pretty alright movies. But jesus, this trailer. The combination of music and voice-over at the beginning of it had me completely zoned out within 2 seconds. And the constant press quotes about how many oscar nominations this movie is destined to get.. It’s all a bit much.
Jake Gyllenhaal and Amy Adams fall in love. Amy leaves him. Jake decides to.. get revenge, by hiring a hitman or something? Not exactly clear. Looks like it could be interesting. Written and directed by Tom Ford, whose previous film A Single Man was pretty good.
A Street Cat Named Bob
Street junkie/musician finds a cat that gives him the strength to get his life together. This trailer had an amazing shot of the guy going through detox, sweating profusely, tossing and turning in bed, all while the cat stares at him indifferently from across the room and upbeat folk-pop music plays in the background and the self-narrated voice-over goes on about how vital this cat was in changing his life. I feel like I got everything I needed from this film in that moment.
The Eyes of My Mother
I think the premise of this move is basically “what if a serial killer was an attractive young woman instead of a creepy middle aged man, wouldn’t that be something?” And I don’t know, I guess it is. I kinda feel like I wouldn’t mind being sawn into pieces by this lady. She seems pleasant. She’s probably got her reasons, who am I to judge?
This looks amazingly dumb. It’s apparently based on a graphic novel, but it looks more like a 90s era video game movie shot on an ultra low budget. I would never watch this pile of trash but I’m kinda glad it exists.
Life on the Line
Speaking of 90s era genres that I didn’t think they still made… John Travolta stars in this film adaptation of a Mike Rowe wet dream. Ordinary man working for the power company has to perform his duty in a dangerous storm. And then there’s this subplot about him cock-blocking his coworker from getting with his niece. Because his niece is too young and female to know what’s good for her, John has to step in and make sure she gets away from these awful power company employees and goes to college. Yeah I’m sure she’ll meet a nice tax attorney at college, John, good thinking.