Hey! It’s Cinco De Mayo! The American tradition of celebrating appropriation of yet another people’s day of celebration as an excuse to get beyond wasted. Looking at you, anyone who has a Kiss Me I’m Irish shirt. So get ready to sneak some beers into Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 because that’s really the only thing worth seeing that’s out this week.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Everyone’s favorite group of A-holes is back to collectively compete for you attention against a pint sized version of a talking tree-man. Expect a lot of classic rock, gratuitous murder and Bradley Cooper yelling from the inside of a CG trash panda.

The Lovers

In a genre many may think is under examined, Debra Winger and Tracy Letts play and older couple that’s concurrently having affairs that then decide to start messing around with each other as well, essentially cheating on the people they’re cheating with? My head is spinning and I’m suddenly very nauseous.

The Dinner

Sadly, not a remake of my dinner with Andre, The Dinner is about two sets of affluent parents decided how they’re gonna cover up some crime that their dumb kids committed. Looks to be a very relate-able film.

3 Generations

With a title that seems like it’s a likely a Something’s Gotta Give ripoff as the Lovers is, 3 Generations is actually the story of a transitioning teen and how her family comes to term with her decision. In lieu of my normal snark in these articles, I will instead say that I hope this movie treats its material with the respect it deserves, especially after hiring Susan Sarandon. Team Tim Robbins!

Mr. Chibbs

A documentary about former NBA player Kenny Anderson will be on my shit list if at no point the line “They call me MISTER CHIBBS” was recorded. Why even go with this title if not for the sole intent of uttering this line!